TIME TO GROW

Growth is so weird. Take plants that must be pruned for example, such a painful process, to such a splendid ending. I am growing, oh and believe me, the end is not in sight…yet. but this year has tried me time and again. Of course I’ve stumbled, tripped and all the other shameful things, BUT I’m still standing.

Through it all, I’ve had to look in the mirror, not see who I should be, or who I wanna be, but who I am now, and learn how to engage that person, shut the rest of the world out and be true to that moment. And if hasn’t been easy. I have a number of MEs living within, and I may have promised some that they would have had their turn at life by now, so hence the riots. But this one me is holding on. Holding on for a reason not all together clear yet, but I’m almost certain that when she moves along, the other MEs wont only be grateful, but they will live their moments in splendor, beauty and style, because this resilient me chose to stick around.

I’m not the sugar coating kind. These are the worst days. But I am hopeful, all dreamers are. I trust that all will be revealed in the end and it will all have been for my betterment. So fertilize this soil!!! It’s on!

MORALS, KARMA, VENGEANCE

Who determines wrong from right. It’s a free will thing I say. Some will judge because their wrongs are done in the dark, but when the lights come on, shame is served.

Nothing is new under the sun. Lately the issue has been cheating in relationships, as if it’s anything new. This has been a battle of the ages, at a time before our very own. Personally I do not think it’s a male or female thing. I reckon it’s a question of opportunity and an animalistic inclination. I hope I am not miss-interpreted. But what I’m saying is simply MOST people have cheated before, and MOST people will cheat when the right opportunity arises. So let go of your judgmental righteousness, just coz 1. you didn’t get caught, or 2. you forgave yourself, or 3. this time you weren’t the one cheating. I mean come on, we are human right?

All I’m saying is, it’s pretty unnecessary to act all holier than thou in a situation that you yourself have the potential to be caught in, maybe tomorrow, or it could even have been yesterday. But please guy, most people would do it ALL OVER again, given the opportunity. True story!

RISE

It is so easy.

Life can often pass us by while we are living, the bottomless pits that our lives are stuck in at times can feel like a life sentence. Then at that point, it is so easy to give in, give up, loose hope, destroy faith.

It is a battle to rise against the tide. You look around life and nothing makes sense. The things you want seem to be dangled before you. Temptations without sympathy. You see the life you’d love to live, the life that should be yours, but your reality does not add up to that ending. Faith fails, hope dies. And the days just come and they days just go.

Yet once in a while, the warrior within, the voice that wont give in, dares to speak, dares to rise from the ashes like a phoenix, clothed in goals, dreams, faith and hope. My phoenix rises, if sometimes simply just to fall, I know it is never killed. And MAN OH MAN when it rises!!!!

DREAMS

DREAMER-image from www.52en.com

It is human nature to want to surrender to the troubles of the world, to want to find reason to give up on destiny and loose ourselves in a well of self-pity.

I know a place within me where dreams are birthed. And from time to time, I get to see the bigger picture, in those moments I water my garden and store up the good stuff for winter.

Have you ever done a tally on great men? You know why they are celebrated? They didn’t only dream, some didn’t even get to see their dreams fulfilled in their lifetime, but they went through obstacles, hurdles and hardtimes. They knew storms and night and they believed in rainbows and dawns – they lived as though tomorrow were guaranteed.

We are lazy to dream, lazy to be original, always envious of what others have, we forget what we bear inside. Our destinies may be entertwined, but they can never be the same. Lately I am wondering what testimony I will give about my storms and my nights. I’m living for that rainbow and those dawns!

AM I A STATISTIC?

FROM WOMEN24.COM

It is sad but true. I have been without work for a little over three months now. It’s been blamed on a number of things because I am not without talent, skill and qualifications. However since my contract ended in end of May I have felt the reality of the global economic meltdown and I have also seen the importance of employment.

My days have been filled with emails and phone calls from one publishing house to the next tv or radio station, looking to find a job. All that I seem to see is that more and more young professionals are sitting at home, idling around and letting talent go to waste. The frustrations of that kind of living is what has rekindled the flame I once had for blogging, creative minds can not be left idle for long, there is a need within them to be used for fear of dying. So this has been my help.

I’ve also tried simply volunteering at different establishments, but the weight of the qualifications and the experience makes it unlikely that I can work without pay. So I have indeed become a statistic, unemployed and about to loose my mind over it.

However there are lessons to be learnt when destiny is detoured. I have come to know myself more intimately during this time. I have taken time out to fine tune my dreams, my goals and to set time frames towards the steps I must take to achieve them. I have learnt to prioritize the constant and unchanging things in my life, being myself, family, friends, relationship and God. I have allowed this time to reveal to me the things I am most scared to loose and how to harness them, nurture them, revive them, even in this time of turmoil. I have learnt also how to kill and revive hope and faith.

At present this is not a season in life I have desired or enjoyed, I feel helpless at times when I have to gather the last coins for a loaf of bread because my pride wont let me reach out about my circumstance and my understanding of life dictates to me that everyone is suffering financial in some or other way. So I have learnt to make ends meet.

I have also been blessed, with parents, with family, with friends and with love that senses need before need is acclaimed. Though this be the desert of my life, I know of a place where the springs and fountains of life await me. A place where waterfalls and honey combs overflow. It is a place promised, not only by the heavens but by reality, a place I have to claim every morning I wake and every night before I sleep. For it is a place that I have toiled for and I continue to search for.

I am a talented, creative, qualified, skilled, resourcesful being, and I know I have a place in the greater scheme of things, and I shall not let the space reserved for me go unoccupied. Though I linger in the desert for now, I know of a promise, and if all else is denied, it is a promise I make to myself. I will rise from this bed of sand and ascend to that beautiful place where all my attributes will be of use. However right now…at this point, as different as the days may be, I am like a farmer, preparing the fields for the season of planting has arrived…soon I shall harvest and reap the fruit of my sweat.

When we surrender during these times we deny ourselves the life we were meant to live. For even the greatest of people have known valleys before they lived on mountain tops. And I too shall walk the path of greats…

So unemployment is not what has made me a statistic, though in need of help right now, I shall over come. Statistics have shown that legends and saints had to battle out some great personal wars and conflicts before attaining their status, I am one such warrior, you are in great company!

WE WIN SOME WE LOOSE SOME

divine heart

There is something divine about going through a break-up, especially when one sees the road coming to an end and still decides to clinch on. Divine not in a sense of beauty, well it really depends on where you are standing to view this. So in this particular case, it was divine in the sense that it opened me to myself. I am learning once more that I am the epitome of creation, I am beautiful and absolutely lovable, I am breath taking and I shimmer with the rising of the sun. I AM CAPTIVATING, the world has a place for me to shine and I cannot shun that responsibility by constantly setting myself up to loose in love. I am a nurturer, born to breed life even in relationship, and a love that has no life is not love at all. So I am reassessing.

I am going through something absolutely spiritual, I’m not even mad at the years I wasted, I am on a journey of discovery and I am upping the bar, I can not always love to loose over and over again. The cycle is so repetitive and all the men just seem to be the same. So I am shifting my focus. Come or go, I am finding the joy that is hidden within me and I am exploring it. Don’t get me wrong, every woman longs for someone to love, but when that someone isn’t there, we know how to divert our attention to something that will reciprocate…i.e a pet or a gay best friend.

However I’m done looking, it’s the looking that makes it hurt the most, I’m done. From here on forth I am finding the element of life that I can enjoy as a single woman, and that is not flirting with every man I see. It’s a shift in focus and attention. I a falling in love with my talents, at least I know that whatever I sow in that department I am guaranteed to reap.

Let me just say, it is important for women to build lasting relationships with other women, family and outside of family. I would never be able to handle the blisters my heart has sustained from the toil and heat of love and life without my girls and my sisters, those are my true rocks when I have no strength to walk up straight. I rely on theirs and it has not failed me yet.

OOPS

Well, i do not even know what to say for myself. Neglecting my blog for about a month, bad-bad girl!!

That said and out of the way. Life has been good. I have sincerely been enjoying work, holding thumbs that my contract gets renewed, these economic times are hard hey, but the best are usually thrown in the deep end because they are expected to come out fit. So I’ve braced myself for the challenge and doing all that I can to come out tops.

My current fascination are the upcoming elections. South Africa and it’s citizens are constantly dazzling me, I’m perplexed at how much we can handle and are willing to let slide, one could swear we weren’t a previously oppressed nation. However, I guess when you’ve been through the worst of storms, some things don’t seem as drastic as they really are, maybe we have become numb, and that is reason to worry.

Growth is a never ending road. Maybe it’s one of the constants that life has blessed us with, along with change. However I hold fast to the belief that there is nothing new under the sun. I am growing in person, in perspective, in love, in attitude, in faith (view it however you may) and in living. And yes I intend stop being too busy to tell….

Till the next time, keep it tight!

WHEN DOES LIFE START?

OH the wait is ever so painful, do we go through life waiting for it to start? How do we know that it actually has? Do we wake up one day and decide that today is the day MY life will start? I’m still waiting for that to happen, but for now i feel like the living dead despite all the great things that have come my way.

Or is it that we grow numb, after years of opening Christmas gifts and having count downs on new years eve? There has to be a reason right? Does passion get lost only to get resurrected? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love my life, I live for the thrill of the drama it’s constantly plugged into, I live for my pheonix ways, I fall and I get up…but at some point, please can someone say they hear me, AT SOME POINT IT ALL JUST GETS TOO OLD.

Maybe it explains why some people live life chasing some kind of thrill, there’s got to be more to life, we cann’t simply be born to die, otherwise it would all be too pointless.

So these are the deciding moments, I’ve decided, my life must be thrilling, in it’s purity. I’m deciding to chase myself through life, become the best that I can be in all things. Oh watch out life, YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT HIT YOU. Today, right now, it begins, two decades of waiting for an epiphany, this is it, I’m chasing my legacy. A legend has now been born. So bring on the passion, the thrill, the beauty, the life!

And so it has begun…………..

HABIT

Good or bad…there is a lot to be said, let’s start with the basics. so there i am, trying to form a new habit, a good one if i may credit myself. LITERATURE SUNDAY is what i call it, that means i write on all three of my blogs, one of them is a poetry one, (actually check them all out, this one and vuvuvena.wordpress.com and poeticmother.blogspot.com). But i have failed in this regard, up till now that is, so i was still explaining the LITERATURE SUNDAY venture, i am meant to write in all my blogs, listen to music…wait a minute imma do that just now…decided to keep it local, it’s Freshly ground. ok, second obstacle fixed, and i am meant to read the news so as to update my journalist blog, i’m working on that, have the times website open already and then i am meant to write in my poetry blog…it’s coming. that done, i chill with a glass of wine and enjoy life before a hectic week. SO THE HABIT IS PENDING!…This is the good habit.

Now to the meat of the story, why do we constantly return to the breakers of our hearts…as if we never knew after the first beating that a second one was not far?Women are an obscurity, even to themselves. we are constantly complaining about our broken hearts yet we go to the very places that hold the tools to break them. it must be a ‘forbidden fruit’ thing, but in the worst of ways, and like it did with Adam and Eve, we may fall from glory if we continue on this route. but every woman can tell you, talk is TOO CHEAP, and we are quick to advise, but practing that advice is some other story.

So i have relocated to my bad habit. i bet you i can tell the world how it will end this time around, and typical to my nature i’d like to think i’ve wisened up over the months, FAT CHANCE! But atleast i am going straight for the wall with my eyes open right? and so are a few of my friends. same script, SAME CAST! Boy we never learn.

All things said, he brings a smile unto my face even on the darkest days. So i am gaining something from it. i guess i might as well cherish that…..

HE IS A WAVE:

he comes back like waves playing on an ocean. so many ask me why i keep going back coz everytime he hits me the salt touches my eyes and i cry, but when he is gone…aint no rain where i live. so i take him back, maybe it is my lot. this time around i do not know if he will wash away the love with his departure, but i know him, he will come back and this i also know, i’ve quite putting my heart in the game. so let him come, let him go, like the wave he is, maybe next time he will return to an empty shore. if not next time, then the next….

There has to be a life giving source there right…he is a wave.

by acastellano on flickr.com

WHEN IT HAPPENS

so you spend all your days pondering on this one thing right? so now that it has happened…what now?

life goes on right?

when that finally hits you you find there is no reason to sit there and beg for things to be exactly as you’d have them be or for anything to change for that matter. fact of life, winds will always blow and those that do not resist always find themselves in foreign lands of pure and delightful exotic experiences…so if you are wondering…I’M JUST LIVING LIFE….i figure you are doing the same

and then when it happens you realise that some winds left you behind coz you were hard stuck on something else…someone else…some other potential possibilities…and the truth is sometimes it never ends.

BUT AS A TRUE DRAMA QUEEN

THE SHOW MUST GO ON!!!!
OOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!! AND THERE IT GOES